CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Theological scholars from around the globe and across faith traditions today came together in a conference and agreed that God, in fact, hates the infantry.

The conclusion contradicts millennia of consensus that God loves the infantry. According to Dr. Edmund Thatchington, head of Heavenly Interventions in Human Tragedy at Oxford University, this was “an outright, bald-faced lie with immeasurable, cascading consequences for countless generations of humanity.”

“Let’s just take an objective look at things,” Thatchington said in an exclusive interview with Duffel Blog. “In ancient times, you had men lining up under crushing loads of armor and weaponry, in suffocating heat or bitter cold, and basically hammering and prodding one another to death until someone on a horse called it off or died themselves.

“Fast forward to more modern times. Just watch 1917, Saving Private Ryan, or Restrepo, then look me in the eye and tell me God does not 100% revile the infantry,” he added.