Pentagon renames Fort Campbell after the soup

"Remember that we are Army Strong, and we are Mmm Mmm Good.”

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense announced today that Fort Campbell has been renamed “Campbell’s® Fort” after striking a lucrative branding deal with the Campbell’s Soup Company.

“Nothing screams military tradition like a can of lukewarm tomato sludge,” said Maj. Gen. Brett Sylvia, the base commander. “Now, I know morale is low. I know the barracks are still held together with mold and duct tape. I know you will probably be sent on a nine-month deployment that mysteriously turns into 15. But just remember that we are Army Strong, and we are Mmm Mmm Good.”

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The installation’s welcome sign has been repainted to feature the familiar Campbell’s logo. Troops will soon be issued official post patches shaped like soup cans, and local dining facilities will begin serving MRE-style condensed soup rations in honor of the name change.

The decision comes just weeks after the Pentagon reversed course on renaming Fort Liberty by restoring its original name to Fort Bragg and the equally controversial reversal of Fort Moore back to Fort Benning after the Defense Department realized that no one was calling it ‘Liberty’ in the first place.

“The abrupt policy reversal led Pentagon officials to rethink the entire base renaming process,” said Pentagon spokesperson Sabrina Singh. “Ultimately, we decided that military installations should be named after whatever Americans recognize. We’re the Department of Defense, not the Department of Feelings. Fort Moore is no Moore.”

Defense officials confirmed the move is part of an ongoing effort to streamline the renaming process while reducing confusion among troops, veterans, and civilians. The previous wave of name changes — aimed at scrubbing Confederate references — was met with mixed reactions, especially when leaders realized that the name changes of military installations had all the inspiring power of a middle school social studies textbook.

“We have to be honest with ourselves,” said Singh. “No one in the ranks would ever accept the new names. It sounded like a base from a bad action movie. If we’re going to rename forts, we might as well lean into something people can remember. And what’s more American than Campbell’s Soup?”

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