CLAM GULCH, Alaska — U.S. Northern Command officials today broke ground on a new, high-security defense facility gently nestled between the mountainous lips that comprise the township of Clam Gulch. Designated the Coital Underground Magazine-Special Operations Command, the facility is intended as a hedge against the potential loss of access to a vital strategic asset currently provided by Canada: weapons-grade pornography.
“Those flappy-headed Canucks got all bitchy about our generous offer to join the Greater North American Co-Prosperity Sphere and threatened to cut off PornHub,” said Capt. Throb Ng Hammer during the ground-breaking ceremony. “CUMSOC guarantees that our warfighters won’t lose access to the lube that keeps the Defense Department grinding.”
Hammer admitted that the potential loss of access to videos of every depravity known to man or woman was a serious risk to servicemembers’ quality of life.
“When young Americans join our ranks, they place a sacred trust in us that the promises which brought them into the greatest military on earth are fulfilled. Chief among those promises is seeing just how many different things can be jammed into each human orifice, all in 4K resolution and stereo sound, regardless of where one is stationed. So, whether it’s a PFC in a porta-shitter in the Quackenbush at 29 Palms or an admiral in a porta-shitter in the construction zone of the Pentagon parking lot, CUMSOC is standing at attention to fulfill that promise.”
Indeed, Canada “provides some unique PornHub content that we aren’t able to source from the United States,” acknowledged Sgt. Maj. Perl Nicklass, senior enlisted advisor for CUMSOC. “No more maple bukkake, no more double beaver/double moose—and personally, my existence will become a darker place without Pamela Anderson’s ‘Twoonies for Poony at the Poutine Palace.’”
Nevertheless, CUMSOC staff remain confident that American content creators can provide sufficient alternatives to keep Clam Gulch stuffed to maximum capacity.
