All hat, no cattle, and long on how, short on why

SAN DIEGO, CA — The Pew Research Center recently published a report concluding nearly 88% of Americans believe that mentioning fallen service members is a “real bummer,” especially on and around Memorial Day.

Conducted via phone polling over a ten-year period, Pew recorded responses from Americans to the question, “Is it important to mention fallen servicemembers on Memorial Day?” Americans seemed to hold shocking levels of consensus, with responses ranging from “I thought we did that on November 11th?” to “I don’t give my information to the government.”

Researchers were surprised to discover that even questions rephrased to account for nuance in opinion and expereince yielded a resounding yes. Study Designer Mike Schlitz cited questions such as, “Does it feel bad to get reminded of service members killed in action when you are drunk on a pontoon boat and this total smokeshow dancing to Luke Bryan is so hammered her top is falling off” or “Would you feel bummed out if you were twerking to Latto’s Big Dick Energy in a red, white, and blue bikini and someone mentioned that the true purpose of Memorial Day is to consecrate the memory of the nation’s heroes to our collective conscience?”