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Poll finds Memorial Day more fun when no one mentions 'dead soldiers'

Maybe we could do something like "Xmas" but for Memorial Day?

All hat, no cattle, and long on how, short on why

SAN DIEGO, CA — The Pew Research Center recently published a report concluding nearly 88% of Americans believe that mentioning fallen service members is a “real bummer,” especially on and around Memorial Day.

Conducted via phone polling over a ten-year period, Pew recorded responses from Americans to the question, “Is it important to mention fallen servicemembers on Memorial Day?” Americans seemed to hold shocking levels of consensus, with responses ranging from “I thought we did that on November 11th?” to “I don’t give my information to the government.”

Researchers were surprised to discover that even questions rephrased to account for nuance in opinion and expereince yielded a resounding yes. Study Designer Mike Schlitz cited questions such as, “Does it feel bad to get reminded of service members killed in action when you are drunk on a pontoon boat and this total smokeshow dancing to Luke Bryan is so hammered her top is falling off” or “Would you feel bummed out if you were twerking to Latto’s Big Dick Energy in a red, white, and blue bikini and someone mentioned that the true purpose of Memorial Day is to consecrate the memory of the nation’s heroes to our collective conscience?”

“Memorial Day is my last long weekend before the kids get out of school for the summer,” said Lara Garza-Phuong, a high school teacher who agrees with Pew's findings. “It is a bummer! Plus, it seems wrong to tell kids, ‘try not to get shot!’ at school all year just to be like, ‘This whole holiday we remember people who volunteered to get shot!’”

Garza-Phuong took a deep breath.

“Look, I think it is great that we live in a free country where people can identify as people who choose to get shot. But if we keep making a big deal about every soldier who gets killed, all these kids are going to be lined up outside of some recruiter’s office five minutes after the last bell rings because they think it’s cool.”

From a desk behind her, graduating senior and recruiter target demographic Chaz Gable said, “No cap! F’real, f’real!” followed by some other Gen Z nonsense.

Pew Study Administrator Dr. Orson Twaddle explained, “Americans love celebrating Memorial Day with backyard BBQs, road trips, and pool parties. But the idea that they should focus on sad, depressing stuff sounds like such a waste of a long weekend, especially when the weather is nice and Ball Park franks are on sale.”

The notion seems to cut across respondents. Janek Borownski, a local butcher shop owner and Polish immigrant dressed in a “These Colors Don’t Run” t-shirt, also thinks Americans should focus on the bright side of Memorial Day.

“If we hang USA flag at shop, everyone will come in to buy hotdog and hamburger for grill and have BBQ and it so good for business,” he explained. “But to dwell on every time soldier is killed in war by German or Russian, or wild bear? Is just make everyone so sad and no one want to have cookout. Is bad for business.”

“Borownski is right to worry about his business,” says financial analyst and ardent paintballer Blaine Mason. “Many Americans view Memorial Day as the start of summer and an opportunity for great deals at supermarkets, hardware stores, and car dealerships. He stands to gain or lose a lot of money depending upon end of May sales results, something dead servicemembers can help or hurt depending upon how cynically vendors trade upon their memory.”

Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.

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