THE PENTAGON — Senior Pentagon officials have canceled a fundraising car wash upon news the debt ceiling crisis has been averted, sources confirm today.

“Well, shoot,” Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said as he put his shirt back on and placed a pair of cut-off jean shorts back in his desk drawer. “The boys and I were really looking forward to getting some fresh air in the Pentagon courtyard and raising some scratch for another aircraft carrier, a new sixth generation fighter jet, and some more pens,” he said. “I can never seem to find any pens around here!”