ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY, Va. — Although many veterans have taken it upon themselves to educate citizens about the proper observation of Memorial Day, James O’Tool has decided to escalate efforts to counter what he sees as a war on the solemn day of remembrance. While some vets politely shame those who foolishly try to thank living veterans for their service, effectively confusing Memorial Day with Veterans Day, O’Tool set out to stop people from laying flags and wreaths on that day at the graves of any veteran who did not die in combat.

“It’s a travesty,” said O’Tool, who will slap anyone who even thinks of honoring someone in a veterans’ cemetery who didn’t give the ultimate sacrifice. “It’s kind of stolen valor when you think about it. Sure, all the people buried here served in some way. But would it kill you to do a little math with the date of death to guess if the person died heroically or not?”

To this end, each year O’Tool spends the weeks before the Federal Holiday creating a multi-paged color-coded map of Arlington National Cemetery. All the headstones of those who died because of war are colored blue, and those that died a natural death are colored red. Then on the actual holiday, he patrols the cemetery dressed in his traditional THESE COLORS DON’T RUN t-shirt and cowboy boots. One change this year required O’Tool to replace his time-honored Bud Lite baseball cap.

“The only other cap that fits is my Hooter’s hat,” said O’Tool. “I know it’s not perfect, but it’s better than wearing some woke crap on my head.”