Tuberville demands DoD stop defending Alabama until state reduces infant mortality
"It's a states rights issue, except when that's inconvenient."
"We threw high passes, we dropped balls.”
THE CAPITOL, Washington, DC - Senator Tommy Tuberville, who actually goes by “Coach” on his Senate homepage, today demanded that the Department of Defense (DoD) halt all efforts to defend Alabama until his home state manages to reduce its infant mortality rate - among the worst in the country.
In a press conference at the Capitol, Tuberville cited the interests of his constituents, saying, “We always seek the top rankings, but we might have to go back to the practice field on this one. The people of my great state have significantly higher chances of dying during or after childbirth, dying during or after giving birth, being illiterate, being below the poverty line, being unable to safely drink their tap water, and/or being incarcerated before they reach adulthood than 88% of the league — dadgummit, I meant nation. There’s hope though. If you look at the eleven Southeastern Conference states we slide right into the bottom of the top 74% of those.”
“Football aside,” he added, “I’m going to tackle these issues one at a time, and I’m holding our important national security priorities hostage by demanding DoD cease all Alabama-related defense issues until my constituents get what they deserve.”
Tuberville’s latest approach to problem-solving comes amidst the ongoing hold on senior military nominations and promotions which he has sworn to prolong until the DoD restricts abortion access for servicemembers based upon where personnel are assigned. His new stance inverts that federalism-based argument to conclude that Alabama's abysmally high infant mortality rate must take precedence over the nation's defense, demanding the federal government account for Alabama’s failures as a state.
“I care about the born just as much as the unborn,” Tuberville said in a press conference at the Capitol. “Fair’s fair - our military can’t do its job until a few domestic political issues of my choosing have been resolved.”
Asked how exactly the military would stop defending only Alabama, Tuberville opined that “the forcefield along that stretch of border should be lifted” and that all Alabama-based military bases should be abandoned. Asked what he meant by “stretch of border” in a state bounded entirely by others except for a short stretch of Gulf of Mexico-facing condominiums owned by people from Atlanta, GA, Tuberville said, “I reckon danged ol’ Flora-Bama is in for some hard times. But they have been flattened 43 times by hurricanes, they’ll be alright.”
While Army aviation lieutenants and warrant officers were heard rejoicing across Fort Novosel, formerly known as Fort Rucker, critics argue that Tuberville’s move endangers both national security and local welfare in the pursuit of gaining political points on a charged issue - the type those in uniform steer clear of in deference to their oath to the Constitution and the lawful orders of their superiors.
“Think about Redstone Arsenal. This isn’t just some nothing base in a wasteland of toothless meth cooks,” said Huntsville, AL Mayor Tommy Battle. “We have a ton of nerds here. In town, we got Google. On the base, we got the Army, the FBI, NASA, and a pile of weapons that could end the world. I mean, we have Space Camp for kids here. Like, actual smart kids from all over America, even the communist states like California! It’s great! Roll Tide!”
But there are practical issues too.
“Man, Tuberville going to close down them bases? How I’m going to sell this clean as a whistle, already lowered, lime green Acura Integra with a three-foot spoiler for $3000 above market at 16.9% interest? Answer me that,” said Enterprise, AL used car dealer Elmer Gantry. “Tuberville supposed to be pro-business.”
Tuberville bristled at the critical response, saying, "I may not be able to name all of the branches of government right away, but I can tell ya, nowhere in the Constitution does it say a Senator can't abuse some archaic tradition to use the world’s most powerful military as a pawn and score a political touchdown!"
Tuberville is committed. But political analysts believe he could lose support in parts of Alabama after leaked texts from his staff indicated that he is considering a hold appointment of the next War Eagle until his demands are met.
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