In This Issue:
- Story Roundup: Comic Sans on official documents, Hegseth using a green screen to win wars, and a shocking whistleblower complaint alleges the DNI is actually Tulsi Gabbard.
- What We're Reading: A Guard rifle left in a Bourbon Street bathroom, two Navy ships discovering each other the hard way, a colonel trying to impress a date with SECRET battle plans, and the Pentagon’s latest coal-powered nostalgia tour.
- Weekly Survey Results: Some readers tell us what is truly hurting retention; one in particular complains we didn't give an option of "all of the above."
- Plus memes from the digital smokepit, reader feedback, and a very good dog as our latest Wardog of the Week. The full briefing is for paid subscribers. Upgrade accordingly.
Comic Sans named official font of Department of War
The Pentagon has announced it would also be updating its typography standards, with Comic Sans chosen as the official font for documents going forward. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the decision on X, explaining that Comic Sans was "tough" and "cool."
“Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.”
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed this week.
During a Pentagon press conference, Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops storming Greenland, bombing multiple Iranian cities, and engaging leftist guerrilla soccer moms in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, an invasion of China titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House.
Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard
In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.
The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.
“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”
What We're Reading
WWLTV: National Guard soldier leaves rifle in French Quarter bathroom
A Louisiana National Guard soldier accidentally left his AR-15 unattended in a French Quarter bathroom, where it was later recovered by law enforcement. Officials confirmed the weapon was secured without incident and that the soldier faces administrative review, proving once again that operational security is strongest right up until someone sets their rifle down next to the paper towel dispenser.
Authorities emphasized there was no public threat, which is comforting, though it does raise questions about how the Guard plans to defend the homeland if it occasionally forgets which stall it used. The rifle has since been returned to military custody, presumably after a stern counseling session and a reminder that weapons accountability applies both on and off Bourbon Street.