HONOLULU — The commander of U.S. Indo-Pacific Command has begun hiding AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, Mk84 Joint Direct Attack Munitions, 20 millimeter Vulcan rounds, HIMARS rockets, and other munitions under his bed in the wake of Israel’s attack on Iranian nuclear facilities, sources confirmed today.

“I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Navy Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.”

The admiral — who staff have begun referring to as “Sammy the Stockpiler” — reportedly began shifting weaponry from warehouses of Pacific Air Forces into his on-base quarters late Sunday night, using a borrowed Air Force forklift and a firm personal conviction that “possession is nine-tenths of the National Defense Strategy.”