THE PENTAGON — After a lukewarm performance at President Donald Trump’s birthday parade, Army brass gathered in the E-Ring for an after-action review and ultimately concluded that the “parade could have been an email,” sources confirmed today.

“We’re catching heat for troops phoning it in,” said Army Secretary Daniel Driscoll, who anonymously leaked the meeting minutes. “But the parade fell victim to ‘mission creep.’ It was supposed to be a birthday tribute… then we added the Army’s 250th anniversary… then Coinbase, the UFC, and Scotts Miracle-Gro^® signed on as sponsors.”

Sources noted that the Department of Veterans Affairs recently used Gmail to terminate 83,000 employees, signaling that digital correspondence has overtaken traditional pomp. “Maybe next time we just CC everyone and spare the public the TikTok drill teams,” muttered one senior defense official.

Driscoll continued, visibly agitated.