New Air Force One denied security clearance due to excessive foreign connections

Jet claims it was just being polite when Qatari royals “kept climbing inside.”

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — The fate of the 747 slated as the new Air Force One, recently gifted from the government of Qatar, is in doubt. In a surprising decision, the Defense Counterintelligence and Security Agency (DCSA) denied the aircraft a top-level security clearance because of what officials call a “staggering amount” of close foreign contacts.

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“Having a few international friends is normal after living in Qatar,” said DCSA spokesperson Alicia Hoover. “But this plane has more foreign connections than a Marine battalion on a port call with Tinder Gold.”

Hoover explained that the aircraft needs a high-level clearance for handling the nation’s most sensitive communications and war plans. The plane submitted a standard security package, but attached 32 continuation pages listing “close personal contacts.”

“It’s less like a background form and more like the cast list of Aladdin on Ice,” Hoover said.

The would-be Air Force One and flying SCIF denies any substantial foreign entanglements and claims it’s being targeted for its “blended multinational lineage.”

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“My father was the proud American defense contractor Boeing, and my mother is a Qatari intelligence agency with strong family values,” the plane said in a prepared statement. “This is textbook profiling.”

The aircraft admitted it “felt pretty close” to dozens of technicians who spent years climbing inside its body, “but not in a weird way.”

“They were just being supportive, you know? Interested in my potential. We talked a lot — about my hopes, my dreams, my ventilation systems. Totally normal clearance stuff.”

“What, a plane gets a job with the most powerful people in the world who control nuclear weapons and suddenly it can’t have friends?” it mused aloud.

One senior Pentagon investigator, speaking anonymously because they were “not cleared to roast an aircraft in public,” expressed disbelief at the original nomination.

“Look, we ding sailors for dating one Russian bartender,” the official said. “This plane hosted half the Qatari royal family in its cockpit and still expected a TS/SCI. Come on.”

Despite DCSA’s misgivings, the aircraft has found a champion in Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.

“Secretary Hegseth fully supports this majestic gift from our dear allies in Qatar,” said Pentagon spokesperson Burt Bonvoy, while adjusting his aviators indoors. “Honestly, this isn’t a clearance problem. It’s a vibe problem.”

“Security risk?” Bonvoy scoffed. “Security asset. Qatar has close ties with Iran and Hamas—imagine the diplomatic breakthroughs when they can directly hear our strategy sessions live from 35,000 feet.”

The plane is currently undergoing “reconfiguration” in San Antonio, which it describes as “humiliating and very invasive.”

“This won’t bother my Boeing dad,” it said. “He builds bombers for breakfast. But my mom — she was really hoping to finally get invited to Davos.”

Bull Winkle is also a certified phrenologist and available to make your wedding, birthday, or flying national command center reconfigurations super fun.

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