Soldier who doesn't care about politics ready to deter Russian-backed Chinese Iranians

“I just want to do my job, follow orders, and not think about all that foreign policy blah blah blah.”

Apr 18, 2025

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Pfc. Dylan McAllister, a self-proclaimed apolitical soldier, is absolutely thrilled about his upcoming deployment to the Middle East, where he will be tasked with countering the latest geopolitical nightmare of Russian-backed Chinese Iranians, sources confirmed today.

“I’ll agree to this interview so long as we don’t touch on politics,” McAllister told Duffel Blog while polishing some already-excessively polished boots. “I just want to do my job, follow orders, and not think about all that foreign policy blah blah blah.”

While it was unclear why McAllister was polishing boots, he said it helped him focus on the mission at hand, which defense officials say is to deter international escalation by ensuring current political leaders remain in power and free trade is maintained throughout the region.

“I just don’t see how our presence there will be about politics,” McAllister said.

Despite McAllister’s best efforts to avoid anything even remotely political, his upcoming deployment briefing featured a PowerPoint slide titled “Understanding the Complex Political Dynamics of the Russian-Chinese-Iranian Alliance.” This slide was immediately followed by a question from his squad leader: “Hey sir, what do we do concerning the rumors of North Korean augmentees?”

“That’s a great question,” the briefing officer reportedly said. “It appears the new Axis Alliance is increasingly bold in their shared efforts to dismantle American support abroad. Many analysts, including our intelligence staff at Division, believe—”

“Boooooooring, amiright, guys?” McAllister blurted out.

According to officials, McAllister was removed from the briefing and given a stern reprimand by his sergeant major while others in his unit continued to discuss the strategic ramifications of their tactical actions and the rules of engagement they will likely fall under once their orders and visas are processed by the partner nation they deploy through to receive international logistics support.

McAllister, still convinced his job is purely tactical, remains enthusiastic.

“I don’t need to know about any of that stuff. I just shoot where they tell me, move where they tell me, and never ask questions,” McAllister said while actively stuffing cotton into his ears. “It’s simple, really.”

When informed that he would be working alongside “moderate militias” backed by “not Russia” but also “kind of Russia” and that the Chinese government officially “has no involvement” but definitely has financial interest, McAllister was briefly seen questioning his life choices.

“But, like, none of that affects me, right?” he asked, visibly sweating.

At press time, McAllister was last seen frantically Googling ‘Who is actually in charge over there?’ before promptly closing his phone and muttering, “Nope, don’t care. Not my problem.”