THE PENTAGON — As part of the Department of Defense’s purge of materials related to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced today that the famed 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry Regiment’s Civil War accomplishments would be stricken from Army records, sources confirmed today.

“I’ve been clear that anything diminishing the awesome manly warfightingness of persons of pallor would be removed from places it had infected in recent years,” stated Hegseth. “But boy, it snuck into my beloved Army even earlier than I suspected. Still, we think we’ve traced it to its origins and so, at my direction, the 54th Massachusetts will be removed from Army rolls. Honestly, recruiting an entire regiment based only on skin color? What were we thinking?”

The regiment Secretary Hegseth referred to — the history of which can still be found on National Park Service websites, though Hegseth said he was working with the Department of the Interior to rectify that — was mustered in 1863 during a tumultuous time in the country’s history.

“I never heard anything on Shawn Ryan about patriots like Bragg and Benning celebrating soldiers based on race,” Hegseth said, “and frankly, it’s embarrassing that the other side put so much effort into dividing its warfighters against each other. But under my vigilance, that wrong has finally been righted.”

Hegseth noted that while his war on DEI would require many intensive steps to complete, he was encouraged by several early victories, such as ending initiatives that chase after minority and female recruits and instituting highly specific grooming standards that would make those affected absolutely miserable. “We’re hoping they take the hint,” Hegseth said.

Hegseth cautioned that full de-DEIification would take time, given the scope of the infection.