THE PENTAGON — Shockwaves have rippled across Washington in recent days following surprise orders from Secretary of Defense (and also War and also Pew Pew) Pete Hegseth that the entirety of U.S. military leadership would muster aboard Marine Corps Base Quantico on Tuesday.
“This gathering is of the highest secrecy and importance to our national security,” said Hegseth, “which is why I have ordered every general- or flag-grade officer assemble at a highly secure location on Tuesday, September 30, at 12:00 pm Eastern Standard Time, 10 digit grid 0033566203 on your Quantico 1:50,0000 special if you’ve got one. All hands, no excuses. And remember: stay clean on OPSEC.”
The unprecedented move immediately raised questions about both the purpose of the meeting and the wisdom of advertising it.
“I have absolutely no concerns about pulling every combatant commander, service chief, and force provider away from their day jobs for this super-secret sync,” Hegseth said dismissively. “Sure, I gave our adversaries a week’s warning, complete with the grid coordinates, but did I tell them the color of the building? Well? Did I?”
Historically, the movement of senior military leaders has been a closely guarded secret, requiring significant intelligence work by adversarial nations to exploit. It took almost four years of cryptographic analysis on Japanese naval codes to gather enough information for planning an operation to take out Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto in World War II, and ten years to determine the location of Osama bin Laden. More recently, decapitation strikes on Hezbollah and Russian generals have demonstrated the dangers to military chains of command when their locations have been leaked.
The secretary was nevertheless unperturbed at the possible security risk incurred by freely dumping into the public domain information that would normally take enemies significant time and effort to uncover on their own.
“First off, you all got the Google pin, right?" Hegseth texted to a Signal group chat he had recently created for hundreds of flag officers. "Hang on, let me tweet out pins on Apple Maps and Waze…cool, done. Second, there’s no base more secure than Quantico. It’s bounded by an uncontrolled highway to the west, an uncontrolled river to the east, uncontrolled airspace until you’re like a mile out, and has a commercial rail line right through the middle. There’s no way a threat could get on base unless it comes by air, land, or sea.”