QUANTICO, Va. – Duffel Blog has obtained the official schedule of events for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s mass gathering on Tuesday of senior leaders in Quantico. The source of the agenda, who spoke on the condition of anonymity and who said it totally didn't leak via Signal chats from Hegseth’s account, provided the timeline below:
From: [email protected]
Subject: 2025 Brass Bash
Message: All, find below the tentative events timeline for Tuesday’s leaders’ huddle.
- 0500: First call and prayer [CHRISTIAN prayer! None of that new age sissy shit!]
- 0600: Urinalysis. Testing for drugs and any residual wokeness.
- 0700: 4.7-mile group run.
- 0830: Height and weight. [Hint: No fatties]
- 0900: Breakfast. Eggs, bacon, WHITE toast. Coffee, beer, and screwdrivers authorized. NO MIMOSAS!!!
- 1000: Secretary of War motivation speech.
- Lethality.
- Trump’s awesomeness.
- Dealing with minorities and women.
- Alcoholism: Is it THAT big of a deal?
- The Media are just a bunch of fags.
- 1230: MRE Lunch [Suck it up POGs LOL]
- 1300: Service-specific breakout groups. Discuss how each service branch is dealing with woke, fat asses, and “ethnic hair styles.”
- 1400: Pickleball tournament and pull-up competition.
- 1530: Female generals and admirals excused so men can talk.
- 1630: Sign Blood Oaths and NDAs.
- 1700: Formation for Retreat and To the Colors.
- 1730: Dinner of steaks and whiskey, followed by cigars and motivational rambling from SecWar.
- 1830: Essay writing. Each officer will write a 650-1000 word essay titled “Why I Should be Retained" covering the following:
