This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Leaked agenda outlines schedule for generals’ meeting at Quantico
Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat
QUANTICO, Va. – Duffel Blog has obtained the official schedule of events for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s mass gathering on Tuesday of senior leaders in Quantico. The source of the agenda, who spoke on the condition of anonymity and who said it totally didn't leak via Signal chats from Hegseth’s account, provided the timeline below:
From: [email protected]
Subject: 2025 Brass Bash
Message: All, find below the tentative events timeline for Tuesday’s leaders’ huddle.
- 0500: First call and prayer [CHRISTIAN prayer! None of that new age sissy shit!]
- 0600: Urinalysis. Testing for drugs and any residual wokeness.
- 0700: 4.7-mile group run.
- 0830: Height and weight. [Hint: No fatties]
- 0900: Breakfast. Eggs, bacon, WHITE toast. Coffee, beer, and screwdrivers authorized. NO MIMOSAS!!!
- 1000: Secretary of War motivation speech.
- Lethality.
- Trump’s awesomeness.
- Dealing with minorities and women.
- Alcoholism: Is it THAT big of a deal?
- The Media are just a bunch of fags.
- 1230: MRE Lunch [Suck it up POGs LOL]
- 1300: Service-specific breakout groups. Discuss how each service branch is dealing with woke, fat asses, and “ethnic hair styles.”
- 1400: Pickleball tournament and pull-up competition.
- 1530: Female generals and admirals excused so men can talk.
- 1630: Sign Blood Oaths and NDAs.
- 1700: Formation for Retreat and To the Colors.
- 1730: Dinner of steaks and whiskey, followed by cigars and motivational rambling from SecWar.
- 1830: Essay writing. Each officer will write a 650-1000 word essay titled “Why I Should be Retained" covering the following:
More from The Pentagon
Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards
SECDEF_Nice
|
Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War
Duffel Blog Staff
|
Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours
Bad Lawyer
|
DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy
Duffel Blog Staff
|
Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth
SECDEF_Nice
|
Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services
Red Friday
|
Duffel Labs
A field desk of military mischief and useful bad ideas
Pentagon Buzzword Generator
Generate authentic defense jargon.
Pocket NCO
Leadership advice with a knife hand.
Navy SEAL Book Generator
One click. Instant airport bestseller.
DD-214 Fortune Teller
Your civilian future, declassified.
Military Speech Builder
Remarks for ceremonies and mandatory fun.
Veteran Benefits Finder
Find benefits you might have missed.
View all Labs tools →
