THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has been feverishly brainstorming and implementing increasingly “woke” initiatives in a desperate bid to keep Fox News contributor, non-profit mismanager, and potential insider threat Pete Hegseth perpetually busy as the new Pentagon leader. The goal? To provide Hegseth with a never-ending stream of content to rail against, ensuring his eternal engagement and perhaps a modicum of peace for the rest of us.

Duffel Blog was allowed to observe a mock briefing for Hegseth from staffers at the Pentagon.

“Well, sir, that only leaves a discussion of the nuclear triad’s current posture,” remarked a weary analyst. “Hey, someone close the door, the weekly interoffice gay pride parade is kind of loud.”

The staffer playing Hegseth became visibly agitated at the prospect of such a challenge to his absolute masculinity. “You can pause on those nuclear codes,” Hegseth said. “This parade now has my direct attention.”

“Looks like we either have to buy another F-35 or sponsor a year of drag queen story hours. Well sir, your call, but if we are discussing F-35s, maybe this is also a great opportunity to address the buttplugs in the F-35 cockpits. The pilots across the service were pretty excited about the inclusion. You know, since both males and females have buttholes,” another Pentagon official said.

Among the more audacious proposals being floated is an eight-hour brief on a machine in development that could theoretically perform gender reassignment surgery on male servicemembers while simultaneously blaring a recording of a Black lesbian reading the Communist Manifesto.