THE PENTAGON — Following a brief ceremony in which President Donald Trump acknowledged that he’s actually okay with preferred pronouns, Duffel Blog had the unique opportunity to spend the day with freshly rebranded Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

“I’ll level with you — most mornings I wake up feeling like a tabless bitch who can’t pull up or pull pussy,” Hegseth confessed. “But I look at my new nameplate and feel something stirring in my loins besides the usual crippling insecurity.”

The Trump administration had long teased a name change for the Defense Department, and Hegseth explained the rationale during the ceremony.

“We won World War II — but then Eisen-something, the president guy, and that other guy went woke and changed it to ‘Defense,’” he said. MAGA world has often criticized those early leaders, whose wokeness was famously defined by turning Germany into a gravel pit and dropping two suns on Japan.

“From now on the War Department is into maximum lethality, not tepid legality,” continued Hegseth. “Like that boat we popped a few days ago — was it drugs, or was it maybe immigrants? Was it legal or wasn’t it? I don’t know and neither will you since we sank all the evidence and fired all the JAGs. What I do know is that watching that video is the closest I’ve gotten in months to even a half-chub. Yeah, Marco knows what I’m talking about; we don’t call him ‘Rub-ee-oh’ around here for nothing.”

But as the day wore on, reality crept back into Hegseth’s awareness. Sneaking into the bathroom newly redesignated as the WAR HEAD, he found fresh latrinalia mocking unfounded rumors of his whiskey dick.

“Goddammit, I told the janitors to paint over this shit,” he muttered.

Attempts to text his wife for a morale boost went unanswered, and his triumphant social media posts received a muted reception from his old unit. A quickly deleted tweet suggested they were “meh” about his promotion.