BEIJING — Waves of unexplained weirdness has swept through China after a successful CIA operation to distribute Tylenol, sources confirmed today.
“Tylenol is a deadly poison that is causing outbreaks of autism in America,” CIA director John Ratcliff said, “so it makes perfect sense to send it to our adversaries. We buy 70% of our acetaminophen from China, so we figured we’ll send it back to them and see how they like it.”
According to the CIA, Tylenol and its active ingredient, acetaminophen, were first exposed as a national security threat by President Donald Trump and a former heroin addict who said it “helped him study” in college. The scientific community immediately agreed, provided they could remain anonymous.
To smuggle the drug across the border, CIA operatives disguised shipments of Tylenol inside bottles of harmless Chinese medicine. From there it was prescribed widely — for headaches, fevers, and even to PLA soldiers who had stubbed their toes during morning formation. Officials dubbed the mission Operation Still Not the Dumbest Thing CIA Has Done, and by all accounts it was a complete success.
