Trade Wars Service Medal delayed by China tariffs

"The supplier increased the cost by 145%."

THE PENTAGON — Tariffs on products from China have halted Department of Defense plans for a Trade Wars Service Medal (TWSM), disappointing service members and delaying recognition of the ongoing financial fracas between the U.S. and the nations that use money to buy things.

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Fred Faädar of the DOD Office of Heraldry and Bedazzling said that his staff designed the medal when talk of the trade war began, anticipating important roles for DOD personnel.

“We expected our service members would fight in this money conflict as much as in other wars,” Faädar said. “Maybe by battling with their accountants, invading places like the Heard and McDonald Islands to enforce fair trade with penguins, or fighting hand-to-hand combat for groceries and stuff at base commissaries and AAFES shoppettes.”

With that intent, Faädar’s staff rushed for a suitable design. The medal itself depicts service members engaged in dramatic trade war action scenes and a red, white, and blue silk thread ribbon. The ribbon also featured a miniature soldier figure being crushed by a Dow Jones stock market graph.

“But before our first shipment arrived, the supplier increased the cost by 145% because of the new tariff rate,” Faädar said, “We can’t afford that, even with the $1 trillion defense budget and savings from contracting and civilian workforce cuts.”

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Enquiries revealed that although the order went to a U.S. company, the medal components originated in foreign nations, with assembly by a third-party vendor based on Hainan Island, China.

“I guess that’s the supply chain that people talk about,” Faädar said. “Before this, I thought that was some made-up, woke globalist mumbo jumbo. It turns out to be a real thing. Do they know this over at the Commerce Department?”

Faädar expressed deep disappointment over the delay caused by the tariff. A mockup of the medal features an engraving of ferocious penguin combat and finely carved detail of commissary battles involving groceries and bottles of Fireball. “‘Inspiring’ is not too strong of a word for the medal,” Faädar said.