VATICAN CITY — Tragedy struck the Catholic world on Monday after His Holiness Pope Francis unexpectedly passed away — really this time — so he could avoid spending any more time with American POG Vice President J.D. Vance.
Though Vatican officials insist the timing of the Pope’s death was “purely coincidental,” anonymous clergy sources confirmed that Francis had reviewed Vance’s background, uttered the words “Not today, Satan,” and reportedly flatlined mere hours after being shown a PowerPoint read-ahead from Vance titled “Freedom, Guns, and Family Values: A Vice Presidential Vision.”
Vance, a former Marine combat correspondent turned political figure and religious performance hobbyist, was disappointed that he could not use more images of himself with the Pope for more political capital.
“It was clear the Pope had questions,” the Pope’s second-in-command, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, told reporters. “He’d recently preached about leaders who ‘invert the divine order of love to place nationalism before neighbor.’ He didn’t name names. But then again, he didn’t have to. Oh, you want me to name a name? The Pope meant American Vice President Vance. Explicitly. We all thought that was pretty clear.”
