By Cobra Commander

WASHINGTON D.C. — The Department of Defense announced an initiative to replace 550-cord with a new light-weight 549-cord version of the fieldcraft mainstay.

“Researchers found that service-members rarely use that 550th pound,” claimed Army Spokesperson Maj. Tiffany Springs. “Up to 549 pounds? Sure, you use that on any given field exercise. But 550 pounds? It’s a little excessive.”

550-cord, also known as “type-III parachute cord” by nerds, is the unsung hero of many patrol bases because of its ability to hold up to 550 pounds of weight.

“You can use it to set up a tent, tie down your equipment, or repair the Hubble spacecraft,” said Sgt. Skip Yardsley, one of the first soldiers to sign up for beta-testing of the new cord.

However, the impending changes have not been met with applause from all corners of the military.

“These soldiers ain’t getting any lighter. Have you seen our height-weight numbers lately?” mused 1st Sgt. Kai Billings, another beta tester. “This could be …