FORT JACKSON, SC – Like thousands of recruits that come through the gates of Fort Jackson every year, Private Eugene Burns never envisioned himself one day joining the Army. Indeed the liberal arts college dropout was quite opposed to the idea of serving until a recent turn of events inspired him to enlist.

“I was always so opposed to war and killing people,” said the new recruit, former war protester, pacifist and retro indie punk rock fan. “I guess I had a change of heart.”

Some may wonder what sets Burns apart from the thousands of other clean shaven camo clad middle-class recruits that fill Fort Jackson.

Drill Sergeant Jason Erickson explained: “As soon as I saw the little shit head I knew exactly what was his problem. Kid's a goddamn hipster! I know Raybans, retro clothes and a condescending attitude when I see it!”