USS MOULIN ROUGE (LHD-9) — The 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit is being forced to return two months early from its deployment to the western Pacific after suffering the highest percentage of non-combat related casualties in American history, officials reported Monday.

With 93 percent of Marines bedridden and unfit for duty, the MEU was recalled after being deemed combat ineffective.

"Life on this ship is worse than Iraq," said one Marine, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Seaman Jessica Roberts is being charged with treason and possession of a biological weapon after medical officials determined the sailor to be responsible for the most atrocious case of blue-on-green assault to date. Roberts, known by colleagues as the “Marine Trampoline,” pled guilty to 1,907 counts of fornication, lewd behavior and dereliction of duty, though firmly attesting she had “no idea [her] vagina was capable of that.”