WASHINGTON, D.C. — Forget about getting busted for cocaine, weed, or ecstasy — the Department of Defense can now tell if you don't give a fuck.

DoD announced plans Wednesday to roll out a new urinalysis program that will be able to test for apathy. By examining a mere 30 ml of urine, drug testing laboratories can now pick up several forms of "not giving a shit" to include service, command, and subordinate apathy.

Testing positive for service apathy would mean that a service member could care less about being a part of the Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines. The Coast Guard, however, will be exempt from the new testing because no one really gives a shit if they care or not.

Popping positive for command apathy denotes that a member could "give a rat's ass about anything the Commanding Officer does or says," while pissing hot for subordinate apathy will expose careerist officers "who step on the necks of their troops for their own personal gain," according to a released memo.