THE PENTAGON — In the fight against plummeting morale, the Army's top leader announced Tuesday that most soldiers would be receiving additional unit awards to bring their spirits up, sources confirmed.

According to a new study, thousands of hours lost in additional mandatory Equal Opportunity, Sexual Assault Prevention, and Social Awareness training have brought the collective morale of the Army down to the lowest levels since 1974.

"Obviously when we saw the results of the study we were concerned," Gen. Martin Dempsey told assembled reporters.

"The Secretary and I take this issue very seriously, and are determined to stop this trend before it leads to other issues within our ranks, such as additional sexual assault cases," Dempsey told the audience, while momentarily envisioning his upcoming retirement when he doesn't have to deal with this shit anymore. "The solution was obvious: More unit awards!"