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New Army policy makes fraternization mandatory

| 3 min read

The new poster for the campaign was hastily put together.

THE PENTAGON — Ahead of an October 1st publishing, details have been leaked of the Army’s new policy to prevent sexual assault within the ranks.

The military has recently experienced a massive surge in reported sexual assaults and top brass has seemingly been helpless to address the problem—until now. In a departure from longstanding tradition, the Army has decided to attack the problem of sexual assault by making it a regulated part of military life.

“I can see how some would be confused about this,” said Brig. Gen. Lilith Heisenmeiser, a Pentagon spokesperson, “but we realized something last year when considering how to deal with this problem. It is a cultural problem, not an institutional one. That is to say, it is an American problem, not an Army problem."

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