WASHINGTON, DC – Insisting his administration has been exceptionally clear on standards of conduct for state dinners and public events, President Barack Obama says he is seriously considering staging an intervention for Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, who is yet again fucking wasted right there in front of fucking everybody.

“There are rules in our nation’s capital,” Obama said, laboriously coaxing Hagel back into soiled tuxedo pants. “Chuck here made a choice. He crossed a red line. Now, as his boss and as a friend, I’ve got to send a message that this sort of sophomoric bullshit is simply unacceptable.”

“Alright, party animal,” he added. “Time to get up. Who’s a big boy? Who’s my big, big boy?"

“Fuckin’ gahh… I don’t even fuckin’… pmnhm,” Hagel said, in his defense. “I don’t even pmnhm son of a bitch, anyway. Aghh. You know... for an Obama, you don't look very Irish. Ummghh. Did somebody say PARTY?!”