FT. HOOD, TX – A commissioned officer fresh from training and recently arrived at the 1st Cavalry Division made a promise to "not screw up" to soldiers of the wrong platoon, sources confirmed today.
Eyewitnesses barely restraining laughter reported that the visibly flustered 2nd Lt. Matt McGuffin, assigned to 3rd Platoon, stood in front of the 40-strong Headquarters Platoon for several seconds before being able to speak, attempting vainly to wipe his glasses on his ACU blouse.
McGuffin first tried to open his speech with, “Gentlemen it is an honor –er – uh” before noticing a female soldier in the front rank and lapsing into embarrassed stuttering. Finally mustering the personal courage to attempt a salvage of his deteriorating command presence, McGuffin launched a forlorn hope into the breach.
“I am a soldier, I go where I’m told and I win where I fight! Sun Tzu said that,” stammered McGuffin, misquoting General George S. Patton to the amusement of his soldiers. “I’m your new platoon leader, Lieutenant McGuffin, but you can just call me 'Sir'! I promise that I’ll take really good care of you and I promise not to screw up!”
