OSLO, NORWAY – Syrian President and all-around great guy Bashar al-Assad will receive the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize, announced Nobel Committee Chairman Thorbjørn Jagland in a press conference today.

“Amidst so much crisis and consternation at home, Mr. Assad always says just the right thing just in time to avert all-out world war,” Jagland said, citing the fact that he didn’t recognize any of the other nominees’ names as especially influential in his Committee’s decision. “Our hope is for that spot-on lip service to stand as a beacon for generations of tyrants and mass murderers to come.”

Indeed, Assad — responsible for the death of more than 100,000 Syrians over two years — was selected for the prize from a field of 259 entirely unknown nominees, whose names, sources confirm, would likely not have made very good headlines.