WASHINGTON, DC – With the books closing on fiscal year 2013, Pentagon sources confirmed that Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel blew the remainder of the defense budget over the weekend on hundreds of orders of nachos and thousands of beers at Hard Rock Cafe.

As the Oct. 1 date loomed, Pentagon leaders were struggling to spend every penny alotted. Sources confirmed that Secretary of Defense Chuck “Good Times” Hagel stumbled in at that precise moment and shouted, “Whatever!”

Befuddled board members stared blankly as Hagel set out to rent the nearest Hard Rock Café for a “total fucking rager.” He then went on to assemble his wolf pack by running throughout the halls of the Pentagon clanking two empty bottles of Wild Turkey 101 together while screaming “Leeeeeroy Jenkins!”

Ever ready to answer the call, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, along with Tom Gordon – a humble comptroller whose sole duty was to ensure every single penny was spent – embarked on a party bus full of hookers and blow.