MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin has threatened to cut off two of the largest exports to the United States in protest of what he calls "America's intervention in a strictly Russian affair," the completely editorially-independent and fearless bastion of journalism Russia Today reported.

Following Russia's annexation of Crimea, Putin called for legislators to introduce a ban on exports of organized crime and cheap vodka to the west, sending shockwaves through much of U.S. media.

"This is the country of little Odessa, where we have hurled endless Bratva and degenerates, as a boon to our American friends," Putin said to the Duma, introducing a nationalist fervor for his land of methamphetamines, cheap heroin, and greedy public officials hungry for bribes. "Each one of these capitalist endeavors is dear to our hearts, symbolizing Russian glory and outstanding valor. But we cannot forgive the Americans for their interference in Crimean independence and so our partnership cannot continue."