WINNETKA, Ill. – New Trier High School student Perry Winkles can’t wait until this fall to show all of his classmates what he’s really made of after he comes back transformed after his upcoming graduation from Army basic training, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Students and faculty alike have expressed a mix of curiosity and concern at his bold intention to become a “cold-blooded killer,” but generally conceded they really “couldn’t give two shits, because seriously – look at him.”

Instead of a teenage summer of self-discovery and youthful bliss, Winkles, 17, will be spending his break undergoing Army Basic Combat Training as a “split-option.” Following basic, Winkles will return to New Trier to complete his senior year before formally enlisting in the Army Reserve.

“People won’t even recognize me,” beams Winkles, picking up a stack of textbooks that had been knocked from his grasp by New Trier’s starting left tackle. “I’m going to become a steely-eyed killer, just you wait and see. Maybe then I’ll finally earn some respect around here.”