JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. – A comical mixture of laziness and bureaucratic ineptitude on the part of disillusioned staff has resulted in the 1st Battalion of the 16th Combat Aviation Brigade being mandated to spend their entire $3.5 million quarterly budget in one week or lose all of the money.

“A matter of this criticality necessitated immediate action,” related Maj. Al Jacobs, Battalion Executive Officer, to Duffel Blog reporters. “Naturally I called all the company XOs in to a brainstorming meeting so I could quickly put the blame on them before the battalion commander came back from leave.”

With enough taxpayer money to support an entire infantry division in combat for a month, the budget for the aviation unit has been engorged to Jeffery Sinclair-ian dimensions thanks to the fuel consumption of the AH-64 Apache, constant maintenance issues, and widespread corruption and ‘gift-giving’ amongst senior officers.

“I want ideas, people!” growled Maj. Jacobs dramatically at the blank-faced officers seated on Louis XIV chairs around the hand-carved mahogany table, “Seriously, what haven’t we bought yet?”