US Army Still ‘The Best in History’ After 50-Year 1-1-7 Record

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THE PENTAGON — U.S. Army leaders insist their force is still “the greatest fighting force in human history” even after a woeful record exacerbated by two debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan, sources confirmed today.

“Look at the Roman Legion,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Martin 'McFly' Dempsey, comparing the Romans to the modern U.S. Army which failed in Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, Libya, Iraq again, Afghanistan, and barely tied in Korea. "They never once waged a proper counterinsurgency. They never won hearts and minds, they just went right in and nailed the insurgents to crosses along the Appian Way. That’s not how you fight a counterinsurgency, it’s just not nice!”

Dempsey, 62, was adamant in defending a force he said would make any foreign military quake in its sandals.

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

A State Department map that relocated most of Africa, one ambitious government travel card, and 5,200 medical students moved from dorms that definitely do not have mold.

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