THE PENTAGON — An administrative review of military records has found that despite serving as the top civilian leader of the Pentagon for almost two years, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is actually still an Army Specialist, Duffel Blog has learned.

Sources confirmed what many had suspected, as Hagel has been known to shrug off senior leadership and converse with junior enlisted troops whenever possible.

"Goddamn four-stars just ramble on about 'strategic oversight of combat' and 'stability operations at the theater level,'" Hagel said in a phone interview. "I just want to know what the fuck we're doing on Friday night."