PRIDE LANDS, Africa — General David M. Rodriguez, commander of US Africa Command (AFRICOM), died yesterday afternoon, trampled to death in a freak wildebeest stampede, Duffel Blog has learned.

“It’s all my fault,” sobbed 2nd Lt. Simon Imba. “I was always wandering off and getting lost, and the General would always come get me. If I hadn't been dicking around in that gorge, he would never have fallen in and been killed by those fucking wildebeests. I just don’t think I’m fit to lead anyone.”

Rodriguez's death appears to have followed his attempt to locate Imba, who had been doing land navigation and got lost in a draw. Other members of the staff say Imba's dismal situation awareness and inability to perform the most basic soldier tasks was well-established.