YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT – Sources confirmed today that your long-time childhood friend Mike really regrets listing your pathetic, parasitic excuse for a walking, talking umbilical cord as a reference for a top secret clearance.

“I should have known better, but I’ve known that taint-licking, cum-guzzling dickweed for practically my entire life,” fumed Mike. “Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but did I think for one second that [you] would have disclosed in explicit, unremitting detail the events of Coachella Fuck Fest ‘13 to a federal investigator?”

“Obviously not,” he continued, “but that smegma-dipping, shit-for-brains burnout was more than happy to recount, from start to finish, A to Z, every bit of recreational activity that took place, including everything I didn’t do that he did.”