MUNCIE, Ind. — Citing Indiana’s newly passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act, Spc. Brandon Kuzma of the 113th Support Battalion has opted out of April Individual Duty Training (IDT) since the “completely faggoty” training schedule violates his evangelical Christian faith, sources confirmed.

“I think it’s clear now that I can refuse service to anything that’s gay,” Kuzma wrote in one of the better written paragraphs of a letter to his chain of command, explaining his impending absence. “I joined the National Guard to serve. Now I’m refusing to serve in the cause of SHARP briefings, a mandatory family readiness seminar and another freaking round of PMCS. Seriously, that is the gayest training schedule I’ve seen in my life, and I’m not supporting it.”