SAN DIEGO— A freshly-printed DD214 at Naval Base San Diego’s Personnel Support Department (PSD) is currently claiming to be “completely fucking beside” itself, upon learning that the sailor it’s about to be signed by is going to leave active duty after having earned only three ribbons during his enlistment.

According to the enraged sheet of Hammermill 8-1/2” x 11” multi-purpose paper, Seaman Trevor Sandifur is scheduled to be honorably discharged later this morning, despite only having one Good Conduct Medal, one National Defense Service Medal, and one Global War on Terrorism Medal listed under his Block 13– each of which the DD214 is calling “just your basic, push-button bullshit.”

“This Sandifur douche is a real piece of work,” said the agitated DD214, while speaking from an overflowing inbox atop an unmanned desk at PSD. “The dude has no sea service ribbon, no pistol or rifle quals, not even a Humanitarian Service Medal — and the Navy hands them shits out like candy!”