FORT BRAGG, N.C. — An Army Inspector General report warns that the Army's junior enlisted are at budgetary risk following the discovery of a massive surplus of fucks that need to be given before the fiscal year ends on September 30. According to the report, these low ranking members of the Army gave out fewer fucks than even highly pessimistic projections predicted.

"It's an embarrassment is what it is," Spc. Jarrod Killebrew said after having a private read him the executive summary of the report. Killebrew, a Psychological Operations Specialist with 6th Psychological Operations Battalion, went on to say that giving an occasional fuck was supposed to be par for the course.

"When it suits us, it's just fine to give a fuck here or there. But this year, man, we just didn't give any. At all. None."

Perhaps the greatest example of a specialist not giving a fuck this year was an incident where Spc. Matthew Tattersall (Ret.) took his pet Siamese Fighting Fish on an airborne jump.