FORT DRUM, N.Y. ­— A battered can of Copenhagen dip lasted eight whole days in the field with the 10th Mountain Division, Army sources confirm. This miracle occurred during a field exercise with the 2-87 Catamount Battalion.

Battalion leadership conducted a last-minute shakedown before heading out to the field, defiling tobacco stockpiles in accordance with a new morale-crushing policy just before jump off.

“Tobacco kills my soldiers,” Sgt. Maj. James Burton explained. “So do toxic marriages and traumatic brain injuries, but we can’t ban tits and IEDs now can we?”