YOUR HEADQUARTERS — Praise all God or gods that may be, because lo and behold, there is a briefer to read literally every single word on the powerpoint slides. Even better, he’s not expounding or elaborating at all. Just a droning monotone, bullet point by remorseless bullet point, and you’re incredibly lucky to be here to have it ejaculated into your ear holes.

Let’s face it: you’re far too stupid to just read the slides on your own and absorb the relevant information. You can’t be trusted to educate yourself on this topic, even though you somehow managed to dress yourself without pooping in your pants this morning.

This training brief, after all, was mandated by an officer with stars on his collar. Who the fuck do you think you even are, shitbag, to question the applicability of this esoteric bullshit? What’s that? You’re a decorated combat veteran? You know what that and a buck fifty will buy you? A shitty chai latte from Green Bean, that’s what. Now tell your story walking, cockface.