F-35 Blows New Year's Resolution, Gains $25 Billion

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LANCASTER, Calif. — The F-35 is experiencing yet another setback in development after reportedly blowing its New Year's resolution of "losing a couple billion dollars" in just the first few days of the calendar year.

Joining nearly 92% of Americans who fail to achieve their New Year's resolution, the F-35 was reportedly found alone in a dark hangar at the far end of an Edwards Air Force Base runway gorging itself on taxpayer dollars in silent shame.

"Ever since it lost the dogfight to the 1970's era F-16, the F-35 has been really depressed," said Air Force spokesman Lt. Col. Jerry Baskin. "We have been telling the F-35 that it was because it was not wearing its 'stealth coating,' but deep down it knew it was because of its over-sized engine nozzle."

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

A State Department map that relocated most of Africa, one ambitious government travel card, and 5,200 medical students moved from dorms that definitely do not have mold.

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