ISIS Blames Suicide Bomber Life Insurance For Financial Woes

For more than a decade, we've deployed pitch perfect satire to service members around the world.

Join thousands of troops, veterans, and defense insiders who read Duffel Blog before breakfast.

“A must-read for national security nerds.”

—The Daily Beast

Free. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.

14years publishing

4,200+dispatches filed

20,000+readers briefed

AL-RAQQAH, Syria — The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) today announced serious financial difficulties for the so-called caliphate. A spokesman for the apocalyptic death worshippers cited crippling costs associated with the Suicide Bomber Group Life Insurance (SBGLI) program.

"In retrospect, fifteen goats was probably too generous a benefit to pay out to survivors," said Mohammad Anwar, a spokesman for ISIS.

The SBGLI program was implemented as part of a benefits package for ISIS militants, which also includes health insurance, annual leave, and a prayer rug allowance. The SBGLI program provides payouts to surviving beneficiaries of militants who blast themselves into pink mist amidst a crowd of infidels.

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

A State Department map that relocated most of Africa, one ambitious government travel card, and 5,200 medical students moved from dorms that definitely do not have mold.

More Stories

First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight

Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room

25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally

Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone

West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos

Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation

Opinion

Start Here