WASHINGTON — Army Times has received a "lifetime achievement award" for "best longevity of story" from the Columbia School of Journalism after its 50th cover story on upcoming changes to the Army’s Physical Fitness Test (APFT) on February 16. Pentagon sources indicate the Pentagon Inspector General will launch a full-scale investigation into how Army Times writers have received so much sensitive information regarding the APFT.

Sources at Army Times claim writers owe their success to a senior enlisted soldier, who uses the name “Deepsquat.” Reporter Mickey Farah accepted the award after the most recent report for "best longevity of one story."

During the ceremony, the guests were treated to a montage reflecting back on all the kinds of rumors they reported were “totally getting approved this year,” from five mile runs, one minute of pushups, to long jumps and pull-ups.