FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After a series of accidents due to soldiers falling asleep at the wheel, one battalion is fighting back against sleep deprivation with an informative safety brief at 0430 on Thursday morning.

Lt. Col. Jerry Newman, the commander of First Battalion, 325th Airborne Infantry Regiment, says that the unit won’t rest until the problem is solved. “These driving accidents aren’t something we’re going to take lying down,” Newman commented. “We’re working around the clock to remedy this sleep deprivation.”

Unit leaders have differing opinions on the solution, however. “This is easy to fix,” claimed Sgt. Maj. George Benes of First Battalion. “Just have these morons stop wasting time when they’re off duty. When they could be sleeping, they’re always off ‘rolling on dubs,’ ‘popping bottles in the club,’ and ‘eating dinner.’”