NORFOLK, Va. – In what the Navy is calling an “all too predictable” event, a sailor from Navy Cyber Defense Operations Command who accidentally missed a few months of mandatory training due to an administrative error has inadvertently started a drug and sex trafficking ring, while simultaneously becoming a spy for Russia.

“I’ve seen it a thousand times,” said Master Chief Tom “TJ” Judson. “These young sailors just have no idea how liable they are to spontaneously starting a drug and sex trafficking operation or engaging in espionage on a massive scale. You miss just one of these mandatory, monthly, computer-based training modules, and hell, you’re liable to wake up tomorrow as the next Pablo Escobar or Edward Snowden.”

According to sources, the sailor in question is described by his shipmates as “A nerdier, uglier, pussy-er version of Woody Allen, who couldn’t find his way out of a one-hatch compartment, let alone mastermind an illicit, multinational drug and sex ring.”