FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The US Army has declared victory in its longest-running operation with a stinging series of maneuvers against the grass, rocks and dirt that for years have threatened to overtake the home of Airborne and Special Operations, sources confirmed today.

“We lost a lot of good rakes out there, but we did it," said Col. Brett Funck, the garrison commander. "The logistics involved in executing Clean Sweep represents our flagship capabilities. We are able to do things with lawnmowers you wouldn’t believe. It should be classified. For OPSEC purposes I won’t go into it, but I assure you it’s amazing.”

According to defense officials, Operation Clean Sweep is a time-honored operation with seemingly no beginning and no end that is often described as the most important moment of any airborne soldier's life — where soldiers from all over the post stop all other pertinent operations to groom the installation.