KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — After more than a decade tromping through the deserts and mountains of Afghanistan, the Joint Force has been diagnosed with arthritis, according to a publicly-released medical examination.

"We are stunned and dismayed by this news," Gen. John Nicholson said in a statement. "We are currently unsure how it will affect operations in the area. For now we've applied alternating hot and cold compresses and are just letting it all sink in."

"This isn't exactly news," said Military Assistance Command, Vietnam (MACV) in a candid interview, now nearly 60 years old itself. "It's part of life. You know how it goes. The Afghan Army leaves the nest to go out on its own. AARP leaflets start coming in the mail. Then you just sort of start slowing down, you know? You can see it in the way they bend over to pick up troops in hot LZs, the way GBUs keep slipping out of their hands. Little things."