UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — A decorated US Marine Corps Scout Sniper on his seventh deployment has set a military-wide record for the most confirmed divorces, sources confirmed today.
Staff Sgt. Jeremy Hoffman, who is deployed in support of Operation Inherent Resolve, received his divorce certificate today in the mail, marking the outstanding achievement of having personally eliminated 11 marriages.
“Step aside, SEALs and Rangers — let the Marines show you how it’s done,” said the 12-year veteran, as loud cheers and ‘oorahs’ erupted from his platoon as he held up his certificate for all to see. “This is how you engage and finish a matrimony before it finishes you!”
Hoffman — known as “Rapid-fire,” “Hitch-slayer,” and “the Hoff” — joined the Marine Corps at as an 0311 Rifleman soon after he turned 19. Upon arriving at his first unit, the young Pfc. was subjected to long hours in the field, living in mold-infested barracks, and working menial details, such as painting rocks and sweeping dirt driveways.
However, he quickly proved himself as an infantryman when he married a stripper after a six-week courtship so he could move off-base. He divorced her right after his first deployment.
“Something told me that boy had the right stuff for this job,” said retired Sgt. Maj. Scott Bowman, himself a five-time divorcee, as he cried tears of joy during a Skype interview. “And all those years ago, when he walked into my office to talk about his ending marriage, I knew I was right.”
Due to his outstanding performance on deployment and in garrison, Hoffman was eventually selected to attend Scout Sniper school, which he passed on the first attempt. To celebrate, he went out and drunkenly wed a waitress outside his main base soon after returning. He regretfully ended the marriage soon thereafter.
Over the years, through various field exercises, at-sea deployments, and trips to combat zones, Hoffman racked up numerous short-lived marriages. When his peers asked why he didn’t just date casually, he cited the Corps’ value of Commitment.
“Go hard or go home,” was always his motto, he said.
Hoffman seemed to take his accomplishments in stride when asked how he felt about having six completed deployments and, now, 11 divorces under his belt.
“The closer you are to putting bullets downrange, the more likely you are to encounter a rocky relationship,” Hoffman said. “And sometimes, there’s no time to hesitate — you just have to pull the trigger and end it.”
When asked if he was planning to collect more divorces before retirement, Hoffman simply shrugged, saying, “I’ve decided to quit while I’m ahead.”
At press time, a retiring Operations Officer at Headquarters Marine Corps was trying to challenge Staff Sgt. Hoffman’s record, but withdrew when it came out that two of his twelve marriages technically ended in annulment.